Searching the Void

We felt so cool, my best friend and I. Here we were, at 14, partying with 20-year olds.

But I was totally unprepared when several guys got a hold of me. Despite my protests, my date -a cute guy who had promised the party would be chaperoned- forced whisky down my throat. When my friend, who had been lured outside, came to find me, they told her I was too drunk to go home. After she left, my date raped me.

By Monday, he had spread the word that he had "popped my cherry" and all my friends turned their back on me. I felt ashamed and angry, but I couldn’t tell anyone what really happened. I didn’t even know what rape was, let alone realize it was a criminal offense.

So I kept my anger inside. I started taking drugs and drinking. Although I secretly hated boys, I became promiscuous, all the while shutting myself off emotionally. I was hurt and alone; I thought about killing myself.

Then my dad left my mom for another woman and things only got worse. I felt abandoned by the man who loved and protected me.

My response to the rape and the divorce was to rebel against everything I had ever been taught. I had been raised in a Christian home and I had accepted Jesus into my heart when I was eight. But my world was shaking, and instead of turning to Jesus, I turned away. How could God let me be hurt so badly and then let my dad walk away? My only comfort was alcohol and sex.

My life settled down a bit after I moved to a new city. I had a long-term relationship with a really great guy. I so much wanted to be in love, I let myself trust him, even though he had warned me not to. When we finally broke up, I decided I would never trust a man again.

I found comfort in a woman who understood my anger toward men. She suggested I might be a lesbian and I started to believe it. I lived with her for a year. Then I got involved with another woman and then another. But no matter what I did, the relationships always ended in pain and anger.

By this time, however, I was fully immersed in the lesbian community. I shaved my head, pierced and tattoed my body, performed in women-only strip shows, and got involved in the S&M community. I saw it all and did it all.

Yet, I was unfulfilled. I studied several religions but nothing filled the void I felt inside. Nothing compared to the love I had felt from Jesus as a young girl. The memory of that love quietly haunted me.

Then in 1997, I went through a self-development course that changed my outlook on life. I realized I shouldn’t blame others for my bad choices. I stopped making the church wrong, my family wrong and men wrong. I forgave my dad for leaving us and I started dating men again.

But I soon got pregnant. When my boyfriend told me I should have an abortion, I left him. I quit my job and went to a cabin with my stepsister-in-law. She gave me a Bible and I read about God’s grace, forgiveness and mercy. I cried out to Him for the first time in 14 years. Two weeks later, I miscarried my baby.

From there, things began to unfold for me. I went to church with my mom and stepdad. I watched the JESUS film and cried. But the real clincher came on Thanksgiving day when a friend of Mom brought me to her church.

When we came in, the whole stage was bouncing. After the singing, we were told to pray with the person next to us. This woman’s prayer was so powerful, it sent electricity shooting through me. Tears poured down my face.

Later on, the guest speaker spoke about a conversation between Jesus and a Samaritan woman. Although Jesus knew the woman was adulterous, He still offered her eternal life. I realized He wanted to give me life also, even though I had been drinking, lying and promiscuous. So when the pastor invited those who wanted to pray to receive Jesus to come to the front of the church, I went and recommitted my life to Him.

Immediately, people began noticing changes in me. The very next day, I took advice from my mom, which is definitely against the grain for me. Jesus gave me the ability to listen and submit, to find peace and comfort in the people around me.

Recommitting my life to Jesus has been like taking off a pair of sunglasses I had been wearing for 14 years. Everything is new and alive for me. I feel free for the first time in my life.

My desire to be with women is completely gone. I pray and read my Bible every day. I have a strong group of people who keep me accountable on every level. I am at peace and I’m allowing God to guide and direct my life in the way He wants it. My journey into patience and understanding has begun.

Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

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